


Men Don't Cry

by nomercyhere



Category: Full House (US)
Genre: Angst, Anxiety Attacks, Anxiety Disorder, Denial of Feelings, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-13
Updated: 2020-06-13
Packaged: 2021-03-03 23:08:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 989
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24703552
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nomercyhere/pseuds/nomercyhere
Summary: Tears did not associate with the name Jesse Katsopolis.OrJesse's been pushing the death of his sister off for so long. It's been years know. When it finally hits him, he knows he'll have to leave. He can't stay if he's not a strong man. And men don't cry.
Relationships: Becky Donaldson Katsopolis/Jesse Katsopolis, Jesse Katsopolis & Pam Katsopolis-Tanner
Comments: 1
Kudos: 12





	Men Don't Cry

**Author's Note:**

> Well, this just kind of happened. I know it's pretty short. But it is what it is.

"Be strong. Be brave. Men don’t cry." The words of his father echoed around in his head every day now. Before it would only be occasionally, moments when he felt just completely alone. Walking down the street. In the shower. Lying awake in bed at night. It didn’t make sense that he felt it all the time now. In a house so alive, so full of laughter and light, between the girls running around, Joey’s constant joking, and Danny’s unintentionally funny escapades, there was no way anyone would ever think someone could feel as lonely as Jesse did.

It first started when he was on his Harley on the way to the radio station. Something that he normally loved, riding at top speed with his hair perfectly secured under his helmet, because he wasn’t going to let the wind mess up his perfect hair day streak. But as he was cruising on the highway, it just felt so empty and numb. Like something inside of him had died. Because it had.

The next time he felt it was later that night, gathered around the dinner table with his family. His family. The people that loved him more than anything in the world. He knew they did. So why was there a little voice in the back of his mind, telling him that it was all for show? All a ruse? They didn’t love him, they were just using him because they couldn’t find someone better. Needed another set of helping hands to take care of the girls after Pam passed. Pam.

He barely even knew her. Or at least that’s how he felt, but he never would have told anyone that. Growing up, they’d been close-ish. Pam would always be out with her friends, the older sister, not really caring about what Jesse wanted or where he was. Jesse had cried, because he wanted to be her best friend. Never wanted to leave her. He didn’t understand why she had to grown up and forget about him. But his father had put an end to that. Said it was time to move on. Siblings are friends when they are little, but as they grow, their interests change, they grow apart, turn into acquaintances and that’s ok. He should accept it. Wipe the stupid tears off his face, and move on with his life. He should never cry again. So he did just that.

He never called her. Never wrote. As he grew older, he started not coming back to the house for Christmas. He went a year without talking to her. Two. Three. Four. And then it happened. She was gone. He had missed it, missed his only chance he had to reconnect with her. He could’ve gone to Christmas. Thanksgiving. He could’ve flown out and tried to glue back together what had been broken in their childhood. But he didn’t. Emotions weren’t for men! And Jesse was a man. A strong, carefree man. He didn’t want to cry, didn’t want to feel. It had been engraved into his brain, etched onto his heart, that tears did not associate with the name Jesse Katsopolis. 

He didn’t go to the funeral. He couldn’t, he knew the sadness would follow him there. Which is why, five years later, he’s confused as to why it’s found him again. He tries to push it away, but can’t tell the difference between pushing away sadness, and pushing away joy. His family starts to notice. It’s small things at first; how it takes him a while to laugh at Joey’s new routine, or how he is eating half the amount he used to. But then it morphs into bigger things. He forgets to pick Stephanie up from school. His voice breaks when he sings Michelle to sleep. His kisses to Becky feel forced, faked.

They know. They know he’s throwing his emotions away. Danny says he doesn’t know what’s bothering him, but that Jesse should go talk to someone. Jesse leaves, telling Danny that therapy is for babies. Becky asks him what’s wrong, and if she can help. Jesse leaves, telling her that nothing could be wrong when he has her in his life. DJ asks why he looks so distracted. Jesse leaves, telling her that he’s as focused as ever. It keeps going for a week, until one day he just breaks down.

He’s walking back from Stephanie’s school to where he parked his bike.  
It’s small, probably not even a dent.  
But two cars hit each other as they are backing out.  
He loses it.

The school finds him and tries to reach someone. They can’t get through to Danny and Becky, they’re live on television. They can’t get through to Joey, he’s dropping off dry cleaning and not near a phone. There’s no one left. They don’t know what to do with the man shaking on the pavement, tears spilling down his face, unable to talk, or hear, or think.

Jesse stays there for an hour. He doesn’t care, somewhere deep in his mind tells him that he likes this, likes crying. His mind tells him that everyone is looking. They see that he isn’t a man. And it’s good, he likes it, craves the humiliation. Because it’s what he deserves. Eventually Becky shows up, but she can’t help him. He knows there’s nothing she can do. There’s nothing that anyone can do. He needs this. Needs to get it out.

When he’s done crying, if he’s ever done, he knows that he’ll have to leave. He can’t stay around the girls and Danny, Joey and Becky, after he’s done this. They all have him in their life because he’s a man. He’s a man that takes care of the girls. A man that is friends with the guys. A man that shows love to his wife. But he isn’t a man anymore. Men are strong. Men are brave. Men don’t cry.


End file.
